He says he wants to talk. Wait for it. Wait for it. Wait. Wait. Keep waiting... "Babe, what's your number?" Wait just a little while longer, it's coming. "You know, how many guys have you been with?" There it is!
You get this deer in headlights look about you. How do you answer his question without making yourself look like either a uptight prude or a slut? Are there rules to this game?
Kissing~ 0
Kissing w/ tongue~ .5
Kissing w/ same sex~ 1
Removal of outer garments~ .5
Undergarments~ 1
Sticking fingers into orifices~ 1.5 (yes, that hole only gets you 1.5 points)
Sucking him off~ 2
Going down on her~ 3
Him going down on you~ 2
Penis insertion~ 5
Anything other than a penis inserted~ 6.5
If it happened on vacation, you get a pass. It doesn't bear mentioning unless something other than a penis was inserted. If it happened with a nameless person on your local turf, subtract 8 points you dirty, dirty girl.
Protection matters. If liquor was involved, don't add or subtract points. Unless protection wasn't involved, in which case, you must subtract 10 points. If a baby resulted and then he jumped ship, please take 25 points. If he gave you a.... You get the point.
I still haven't decided if you want to be in the negative or positive at the end of this game or what the design of my cards will be so I haven't sent it off to Mattel yet.
I actually don't believe any of that. I don't think that it should matter. Presumably if you are having sex, you've taken steps to make sure that you are both infection/disease free. You both want to stay that way. As long as your parts are in good working order, your sexual history didn't involve any trauma, physical/emotional that your partner should be made aware of, it's none of his damn business. If you want to exchange awkward, "my first time was..." stories, by all means, do so. Whether your number is low or high, it is your business.
Tell him that it's more than Sister Mary Francis and less than Jenna Jameson. As long as he's not going to send you a link to a redtube video with a picture of your face covered in.... I think you're fine. And be sure to let him know that as long as his AKA isn't Randy Spears or Evan Stone, You don't care either.
If he looks at you like you're speaking German when you toss out these names, chances are you've landed yourself an uptight prude :D
When I'm walking around his hometown, I have no desire to know that the kindergarten teacher was his first, or that he had a threesome with the town drunk and the pastors daughter. I don't care if his number is 3 or 47. Likewise, my number should be of no consequence to him. The only thing that should matter is our sexual compatiblity, and future. I rarely think about my previous sexual partners. My fiance and I sometimes share horror stories but for the most part, I am just happy that we have each other in the now, and future.
Saying that the the number of people that a person has been with is rarely a contributing factor in their relationship is not my way of saying that sex is not a contributing factor in a relationship. It is! A relationship(with a s/o) implies a closeness. How much closer can you get as a couple than being intimate? To completely open yourself to giving or receiving your partner physically allows you to be open to completely giving of yourself in other aspects of the relationship. So when you close yourself off sexually, you aren't just damaging your togetherness in the bedroom. You are closing off and shutting down lines of communication, trust, laughter... all things that keep a relationship healthy and thriving.
Hmmm... it sounds like i'm saying have sex with your love, lots of sex!
Wednesday, September 29, 2010
They made your bed, dont expect me to lay in it!
He doesn't know it yet but along with his new wife, is coming a new bed. When I was just some chick he was doing, it didn't matter. When I was a friend with benefits, the benefit was that he didn't really have to value my opinion as long as he valued my body. As his new girlfriend, his bed had a more permanent place in his life than I did. As his fiancee, i'm saying that his wife will want a new bed, one that he hasn't shared with other women.
It's not because I think that his thoughts will stray to all of the other women who have been in his bed while i'm in it. I just think it's symbolic. You wouldn't recycle an engagement ring(right?!). That's the safe haven where i'm going to make memories with my husband, create babies, heal emotional wounds, and escape from everyone in my life but the closest person. That isn't a space that i'm comfortable sharing with anyone else. Even if it is just their essence and not their memories or their presence.
Besides, I want to redecorate. Starting with the bedroom. I love him but he has no future in interior design. His house looks, well, like a single guy lives there. He hasn't been informed of this decision. Surely he knows though, right? A house doesn't become a home until a woman enters like a whirlwind and puts feminine touches in the most unexpected places and makes the house warm and inviting.
I never want him to be the husband who just sits around after work, making excuses not to come home. He will almost always come home to a clean house, a warm meal, generally happy children, and a wife in the mood to make love. Sometimes in the midst of bills, kids, life, the couple's marriage suffers. I don't ever want to be that couple. I will make a concentrated effort to keep the marriage lively and not turn into that couple
It's not because I think that his thoughts will stray to all of the other women who have been in his bed while i'm in it. I just think it's symbolic. You wouldn't recycle an engagement ring(right?!). That's the safe haven where i'm going to make memories with my husband, create babies, heal emotional wounds, and escape from everyone in my life but the closest person. That isn't a space that i'm comfortable sharing with anyone else. Even if it is just their essence and not their memories or their presence.
Besides, I want to redecorate. Starting with the bedroom. I love him but he has no future in interior design. His house looks, well, like a single guy lives there. He hasn't been informed of this decision. Surely he knows though, right? A house doesn't become a home until a woman enters like a whirlwind and puts feminine touches in the most unexpected places and makes the house warm and inviting.
I never want him to be the husband who just sits around after work, making excuses not to come home. He will almost always come home to a clean house, a warm meal, generally happy children, and a wife in the mood to make love. Sometimes in the midst of bills, kids, life, the couple's marriage suffers. I don't ever want to be that couple. I will make a concentrated effort to keep the marriage lively and not turn into that couple
Friday, September 24, 2010
Why women need best friends.
I know that you are getting sick of hearing about cakes, dresses, a gift for my groom, wedding night sex, hair styles, shoes, cold feet, bikini waxes, all of it. I know that you are sick of hearing about it. You never tell me though. Instead you listen to me worry, you give me great, and not so great advice.
Maybe I didn't like you when I first saw you but I love you now. That's what counts, right?! Seriously, I haven't always been the most kosher person. You never judged me. If you did, you did it way secretly. *laughs* You have never asked me to change or alter who I am. Look what study groups, suck up soft cookies, and grande caramel frapps led to! I don't think very many people like you exist. I'm really lucky to have you in my life during this super special time. I hope that you are going to become a permanent fixture.
I hope that together we experience graduations, your wedding(not to the man in the alley who makes you do that unspeakable thing that you dont know you'll actually do because you haven't experienced it!), babies, redecorating, first days of school, anniversaries, all of that cheesy stuff.
First, we've got to get through Decemember. Are you ready? I'm warning you, it'll get worse before it gets better.
I love you.
Maybe I didn't like you when I first saw you but I love you now. That's what counts, right?! Seriously, I haven't always been the most kosher person. You never judged me. If you did, you did it way secretly. *laughs* You have never asked me to change or alter who I am. Look what study groups, suck up soft cookies, and grande caramel frapps led to! I don't think very many people like you exist. I'm really lucky to have you in my life during this super special time. I hope that you are going to become a permanent fixture.
I hope that together we experience graduations, your wedding(not to the man in the alley who makes you do that unspeakable thing that you dont know you'll actually do because you haven't experienced it!), babies, redecorating, first days of school, anniversaries, all of that cheesy stuff.
First, we've got to get through Decemember. Are you ready? I'm warning you, it'll get worse before it gets better.
I love you.
The hardest part about long distance relationships
After the late night phone call and the final good night text, you still slide into a bed all by yourself. The nights when the phone call never comes are even worse. I was drifting off to sleep and I wrapped my arms around him, only to find that his body had a lot more give than normal. I opened my eye just a bit and realized that I was gripping my pillow and not him.
I really miss that guy.
Even though there is only a one hour time difference, it's difficult to sync our schedules. During the day he's working and I don't want to be the girl that calls all of the time and interrupts. During the evening he has other obligations. When he's hanging out with friends it's not like I can shout objection. He has to have a life and i'm not there so I don't get to be as involved in it as I would like. As great as I am (toot toot!), that doesn't mean he wants to spend hours talking on the phone when he could be out interacting with friends.
December can't get here soon enough.
I really miss that guy.
Even though there is only a one hour time difference, it's difficult to sync our schedules. During the day he's working and I don't want to be the girl that calls all of the time and interrupts. During the evening he has other obligations. When he's hanging out with friends it's not like I can shout objection. He has to have a life and i'm not there so I don't get to be as involved in it as I would like. As great as I am (toot toot!), that doesn't mean he wants to spend hours talking on the phone when he could be out interacting with friends.
December can't get here soon enough.
Out with the old, in with the new?
Marriage is pretty much a combining of two lives. So with you, comes all of your crap. His or mine? whose fridge do we use? Do we keep the extra in the garage, store it or trash it? Which bed is better(different post!)? Do I really need to bring shoes that I haven't worn for 2.5 years? After all, I have to share a closet now! But what if I get rid of them and then find the perfect outfit that isn't so perfect anymore because I no longer have the shoes?!
More importantly, what about the friends that you've accumulated over the years? Mainly, friends whose sex prevents them from using the same public restroom as you. How does your man feel about the way that you feel about your man friends? Confusing? Imagine how I feel!
Most of my friends are of the male variety. You can write one of those bare all books about the status of their relationships. Some are married. Some have girlfriends. Some are married and have girlfriends. Some are gay. Some are gay and married. Some are looking. Some are not. Some will forever be bachelors. And finally, I'm not one to toot my own horn(toot, toot!), but some think i'm attractive and want to sleep with me. Honestly, some have slept with me. What they all have in common is that they are some of my very best friends.
These are the guys that never stood me up, that told me when a dress really did make my butt look big, told me when a guy was out of my league, that let me know that just because a guy wasn't perfect, that didn't mean I could slash his tires, pour bleach on his clothes, tell his mama, and facebook status how bad he was in bed. These are the guys who told me when he was cheating, who let me cry, who later talked trash about me for not knowing I was being played, and who took me out and showed me a good time so that I could build a bridge and get over.
I got so close to them by going out with them, by spending time with them, and by making an effort to get to know them. Each and every one of them respect the fact that I am happily engaged to the man I want to spend the rest of my life with. They still consider me a friend though. They still want to hang out with me and shoot the shit like always.
When we go out, it is perfectly innocent. Whether it's the group of us or just two of us, we're just hanging out as friends.
So, what do you do when The Man in your life isn't comfortable with you spending time with your male friends when it's one on one? Do you ditch the guys or do you alter the relationships so that The Man in your life finds them acceptable? I know what you're thinking folks. "If he doesn't trust you, he has no business being with you." "Mmmm mmm, you don't have to change yourself for him." "Why do you need other men anyway when you have a fiance?"
They aren't male friends. They are just friends... who all happen to have a penis. I understand where he is coming from as well though. Because listen, the first time some woman calls my house and says she's just a friend and wants to know if my fiance is up for hanging out or going to a movie because her boyfriend just broke up with her and she's feeling bummed, you will see my face plastered all over yahoo news.
Ok, ok... I guess I proved his point. No more dates with the guys.
More importantly, what about the friends that you've accumulated over the years? Mainly, friends whose sex prevents them from using the same public restroom as you. How does your man feel about the way that you feel about your man friends? Confusing? Imagine how I feel!
Most of my friends are of the male variety. You can write one of those bare all books about the status of their relationships. Some are married. Some have girlfriends. Some are married and have girlfriends. Some are gay. Some are gay and married. Some are looking. Some are not. Some will forever be bachelors. And finally, I'm not one to toot my own horn(toot, toot!), but some think i'm attractive and want to sleep with me. Honestly, some have slept with me. What they all have in common is that they are some of my very best friends.
These are the guys that never stood me up, that told me when a dress really did make my butt look big, told me when a guy was out of my league, that let me know that just because a guy wasn't perfect, that didn't mean I could slash his tires, pour bleach on his clothes, tell his mama, and facebook status how bad he was in bed. These are the guys who told me when he was cheating, who let me cry, who later talked trash about me for not knowing I was being played, and who took me out and showed me a good time so that I could build a bridge and get over.
I got so close to them by going out with them, by spending time with them, and by making an effort to get to know them. Each and every one of them respect the fact that I am happily engaged to the man I want to spend the rest of my life with. They still consider me a friend though. They still want to hang out with me and shoot the shit like always.
When we go out, it is perfectly innocent. Whether it's the group of us or just two of us, we're just hanging out as friends.
So, what do you do when The Man in your life isn't comfortable with you spending time with your male friends when it's one on one? Do you ditch the guys or do you alter the relationships so that The Man in your life finds them acceptable? I know what you're thinking folks. "If he doesn't trust you, he has no business being with you." "Mmmm mmm, you don't have to change yourself for him." "Why do you need other men anyway when you have a fiance?"
They aren't male friends. They are just friends... who all happen to have a penis. I understand where he is coming from as well though. Because listen, the first time some woman calls my house and says she's just a friend and wants to know if my fiance is up for hanging out or going to a movie because her boyfriend just broke up with her and she's feeling bummed, you will see my face plastered all over yahoo news.
Ok, ok... I guess I proved his point. No more dates with the guys.
Thursday, September 23, 2010
I'm getting married!
I'm getting married in December. There is no way that I could possibly be any more excited than I am. He isn't perfect but he is perfect for me. I want to be his wife and the mother of his two(2) children. I want to wake up every morning pressed up against his chest and nestled in his arms. I want to play in parks and walk on beaches with him. I want to clean the house and make him breakfast on Sunday mornings. I want to cuddle on the couch and be content in our silence. I want to visit museums and go to spa's with him. I want picture dates and trips to San Francisco. I want to spend the rest of my life with him and I can't wait to start living and continue loving with him.
Ha! My fiance is a country boy from, well, it doesn't matter. Point is, the couple in blue jeans and white tops, holding hands and walking barefoot on the beach will never be us. He would rather play cards and have a few beers with friends. Though he might go to a museum with me, the spa is definitely out. He thinks we should have four(4) or five(5) babies. San Fran is a bit too liberal for his tastes. And pictures? He doesn't see why he should take any. Don't worry. I WILL be putting some up on this site. Give me a few months.
It must be true that opposites really do attract. From our taste in food to our views on life, we are so very different.When i'm in his arms or he looks at me, nothing else matters. With his love I am so ready to tackle any problems we will face.
We live in different states right now and it's really hard. Having a relationship through sporadic visits, text, phone calls and pictures is no fun! He doesn't even know what skype is! lol. I know that in the end, all of this will have been worth it. The waiting, the longing, the disagreements via text, lonely days and nights, will be made worth it. He's worth it. I know that my life with him is worth it.
Ha! My fiance is a country boy from, well, it doesn't matter. Point is, the couple in blue jeans and white tops, holding hands and walking barefoot on the beach will never be us. He would rather play cards and have a few beers with friends. Though he might go to a museum with me, the spa is definitely out. He thinks we should have four(4) or five(5) babies. San Fran is a bit too liberal for his tastes. And pictures? He doesn't see why he should take any. Don't worry. I WILL be putting some up on this site. Give me a few months.
It must be true that opposites really do attract. From our taste in food to our views on life, we are so very different.When i'm in his arms or he looks at me, nothing else matters. With his love I am so ready to tackle any problems we will face.
We live in different states right now and it's really hard. Having a relationship through sporadic visits, text, phone calls and pictures is no fun! He doesn't even know what skype is! lol. I know that in the end, all of this will have been worth it. The waiting, the longing, the disagreements via text, lonely days and nights, will be made worth it. He's worth it. I know that my life with him is worth it.
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